Yesterday was a really rough day. Both of my boys get bronchiolitis when they get any kind of congestion; basically they wheeze and we use breathing treatments every four hours for a week until they get better. Their breathing isn't too labored, but they don't sound very good. Landon has been wheezing since Sunday so I took him in to the Dr. yesterday. The nurse practitioner checked his oxygen level and it was 99% so he was getting oxygen despite the wheezing. I assumed she would tell me to continue the breathing treatments at home every four hours for the next week. This is the same procedure with each boy every time either one gets a cold and it goes straight to his lungs. I was very surprised when she told me I needed to take Landon to the E.R. immediately. I asked a lot of questions, mainly, “Why am I taking him to the E.R.? Is it really that serious? What am I supposed to say when they ask why I am there? Are you sure I need to go to the E.R.” She told me that he needed to be supervised for the next few hours because his heart rate was elevated and his ribs were pulling in when he breathed. I left very annoyed because in my heart I knew he did not need to go to the E.R. I knew he was not in any distress and that I was about to waste my entire afternoon (and not to mention a hefty $150 E.R. Copay) for nothing. I knew the doctors and nurses we encountered would ask me why I was there and that he was doing pretty well for having bronchiolitis.
So WHY did I do it? I went because the previous night I had a very real and very horrible dream that Landon died. In my dream he died and I could not stop crying. My entire extended family was in my dream feeling sorry for me and no matter how hard I tried I could not stop crying.
I went to the E.R. and it was exactly as I knew it would be. I wasted 3 hours (when Landon could and should have been home sleeping) and each doctor and nurse asked me why my doctor told me to take him to the E.R. His x-rays of his lungs showed that he did not have pneumonia and that he had bronchiolitis. What a surprise! I was so angry at myself for wasting my time and our money and not trusting myself. I was also angry at my subconscious for that horrible dream. I certainly have that fear that one of my kids is going to die. My father-in-law is buried in a beautiful cemetery; I got a sick feeling when we drove by the children's section of the cemetery. I certainly worry that one of my kids is going to be buried there.
I am also angry at the nurse practitioner for her ridiculous suggestion, but if I had not gone and something had happened to Landon, I never would have been able to forgive myself. Needless to say, I will be switching doctors.
Comments
YOU. ARE. A. GREAT. MOM.
Hang in there! Love you!
I think most mothers have that fear that they will lose a child. I remember growing up and my mom expressing that fear and recently my MIL admitted she had that fear about my hubby while he was growing up because he was such a good kid. I had Kaelyn only a few months after my sister lost a newborn and I dealt with a lot of irrational fears during that time and still.
But seriously, the medical side of being a parent is tough, especially after a nightmare like that. Sometimes I just have to sigh and realize that at times, you just can't win.