Wednesday, November 11, 2015

12 Thoughts on Christ/12 Days of Christmas gift

I am so excited to post this project that I've been working! In these "Twelve Thoughts on Christ" you open one card for each of the 12 days of Christmas. I have designed and written these cards as a way to refocus our thoughts this holiday season. The cards are a combination of symbols of Christmas and messages about Christ. The 1st day of Christmas is December 13th, coming up in a little over a month. If you are interested, I am selling them through Etsy. Etsy shop Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Think Pink!

We are having a little girl! Bailey is beside herself; I love seeing how excited she is. Landon is okay with it and Myles is sad. He wanted another "bro" but I think he'll come around. Scott and I are still holding back a little, keeping in reserve all the "what if's" that accompany loss and a not-so-stellar pregnancy history. Even though I can feel her move I still have to take this pregnancy one day at a time. As too many know, there is no guarantee, no truly "safe" point in any pregnancy.

But, we move forward with faith. The ultrasound looked good; the high risk doctor said she looked, "perfect" and so we take that to heart. Now begins the deliberations over names. Not only do I have Scott weighing in (we NEVER agree!) but my children think they get a say, too. Who is the one doing all the work here? I think I should get 10 votes to each of theirs but I don't take it for granted, either, that we are so lucky to be in this position, fighting over a name for our highly anticipated unborn child. We are so blessed and I truly thank my Heavenly Father for guiding me down this most difficult but rewarding path. No matter what happens, storm or calm, He is at the helm and I trust Him.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

A Post to Clarify...

Several people have recently asked me about a post I wrote in September regarding a blood disorder that was thought to cause my recurrent miscarriages. I have slight Factor VIII deficiency but it does not affect pregnancy or miscarriage risk. That myth has since been dispelled. I was really hoping for a magic pill or even a shot that would guarantee a healthy, viable pregnancy but that is not what we got.

The high risk specialist explained that about 12% of women miscarry easily, regularly and for no known reason. After doing lots of testing we discovered that unfortunately I fall into that category. We just have to go by faith. I never would have agreed to this one last pregnancy if I didn't feel that God was directing us to do so. Every day I struggle with the fear that the baby has died or that the end is coming but then I remind myself that we are taking this one day at a time. I choose hope, which is not the norm for me but I am hoping to make it so!

Another reassuring gift is that I have been feeling the baby move for the last month so I no longer have to wait for ultrasounds or heartbeats on doppler for proof that there still is a happy, healthy baby in there. She or he is very active and that is all the proof I need.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

15 weeks!

(not our ultrasound, ours was garbage - thanks internet)

We are expecting a baby in August of this year. Wow, I never thought I would type those words again but here we are, on a journey that is both difficult and joyous. I am taking it one day at a time; today I am pregnant so that is a good day. I am starting to feel the baby move once in awhile and am excited to feel more movement as we get further along.

The short version of the story is this: we met with adoption agencies. We met with someone about foster care. We both knew we wanted to have another child but we certainly didn't want to get pregnant or try this route ever again. However, the Lord had a different plan. As we would pray about it I could feel Him nudging me, as if saying, "You don't have to do this, but if you want another baby this is how it needs to happen."

How we fought that, me especially! How much I would have preferred to take out a loan and adopt a baby, not that there isn't pain or heartache in adoption (believe me, I know there is) but at least we would be guaranteed a live baby at the hospital.

This path requires a lot more faith but I am also learning more about myself. As hard as this has been, I have learned that I will do whatever the Lord asks of me because I trust Him. His path for me has not been easy but I know He has my best interests at heart. And I certainly know that He can and will make more of my life than I could do on my own. It has been quite the journey but I am beginning to like me, to appreciate where I am at and to look forward to the future not with fear but with faith and hope.

Over the years, with each loss coming later in the pregnancies and hitting harder, I really hated my body. I hated that it had failed me, that something was wrong with me. There are many lessons to be learned through this process but I am learning to love myself, flaws and all, and to trust my body again. This is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father, as is this pregnancy.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Elliot Day - 2nd Anniversary

Elliot's day came amidst great trials this year. September is a hard month for us because it hosts the anniversaries of losing Scott's father and Elliot. Scott's sister placed her daughter for adoption in September, as well. This year brought other trials. Scott lost a coworker to a car accident; he was 32. The next week he also lost his boss to colon cancer; his boss was 33 and left behind a young family. The emotional stress has been tough on Scott and it brings up a lot of mourning in us both.

The week leading up to Elliot's day both our cars ended up in the shop. Scott's car needed a new head gasket and mine needed a new computer. Both were expensive fixes and the parts for the van were 4 days away. A friend let us use her son's boat hooptie grand marquis. I am so thankful for that; she saved us renting a car for a week. We sold Scott's car and fixed the van, though I would have loved to replace my vehicle, too. I will have to wait on that. :(

For Elliot this year I decided we should do acts of service, one for each letter of his name. I really enjoyed turning outward as a way of celebrating him. I might be the only one in the family to complete his/her list, but I needed it most. Saturday night we went to dinner for Elliot's birthday celebration. We don't take the kids out very often, so this was truly special to them. I am thrilled they each still talk about him.

On a related note, I found a doctor who actually LISTENS and after hearing my history, ordered blood work. She discovered I have a blood clotting disorder that leads to menorrhagia (no need to talk about that on a family blog), miscarriage and stillbirth. With women who have this von Willebrand disorder, most pregnancies end in miscarriage. My three living children really are miracles!

I was grateful for answers but even more upset with the awful doctor I had in Arizona. For 5 years he watched me suffer great losses but didn't consider looking further for answers. I met with one doctor here and within minutes she wanted to get to the bottom of my history. She is a godsend. Next week I meet with a high risk doctor to figure out what, if anything, needs to be done at this time. Apparently people with serious cases need blood transfusions several times a month. I don't think I need that (I hope not) but am a little anxious to get answers.

Monday, September 9, 2013


August 17, 2013

I competed in my first triathlon a few weeks ago. It was amazing! I loved every minute of it. I felt so strong the entire race. As soon as I finished I wanted to start over and do it again.

I did two run-throughs the two Saturdays before the race. Both times I encountered many problems: flat tire, ripped swim cap, low energy, dehydration, heat, forgotten water bottle and gum, and slow times. I am glad now that I went through those things because I was prepared for all of it race day, which was perfectly smooth. I even shave 17 minutes off my practice times!

I was nervous before the swim, though it went well. The bike portion was fun. I passed a lot of people on the uphill parts but when it came time to shift back for the downhill parts, my bike wouldn't cooperate so I coasted most of the way. The run was mostly uphill but I took it slow and steady. Again I passed people on the uphill but they passed me on the down; my knees don't like when I run too fast downhill.

I finished strong and was so excited to see my kids meet me to accompany me to the finish line. Everyone had their age stamped on the back of her left calf; one woman was 70! I was so impressed. I want to be competing then, too. Bailey wants to do it with me next year, though I was glad to do it alone this year. I didn't have any mp3 player or anything. I just kept my mantras present and enjoyed every moment. I am so proud of myself. I was terrified to try something like this but I did it and came out conqueror, at least in my eyes. :)  I have found a new sport.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Kitchen is Done!

Dishwasher is missing the bottom piece but still works. 
Well, "works" means I basically rinse every dish 
before loading the dishwasher and run it, just so my
 kids will have the chore of unloading it. 

I had to take pics the morning after book club because my kitchen was finally finished and still clean! For those of you who know how long this process took (6 months, 3 weeks - but who was counting but me?) you can understand how good this feels. I got a little emotional last week when I finished the glaze on the cabinets. What started out as a kitchen remodel quickly turned into a long process of fighting emotional demons and facing many setbacks as far as time, cost, health, energy and willpower go.

We are finally making this house a home and for those who know how hard this move has been on me, this is saying something HUGE.

We started the bathroom remodel in February, as well. (Don't ask - we're crazy.) When we finish that up I will post pics of that. Scott did an amazing job on the bead board. I finished painting the cabinets and the walls last week. All that is left if painting the bead board and framing the mirror. Then we move on to the backyard. It never ends, does it? Oh well, at least the hearth of the home is done. Whew!