Barber Bustlings

To be fair and honest to this blog, any readers and myself, today has been hard. I wasn't ready for facing people at church so I stayed home. Landon is horrible during sacrament meeting so he stayed with me. I studied about Emma Hale Smith all morning and was amazed by all the hardships she faced during her life. Why is there so much sadness in this life? How could one person endure so many trials? She was an incredible woman. My kids are generally awful on Sundays and today was no exception. Scott always is gone with meetings and I often say the devil is alive and well in our home on Sundays. I also don't feel prepared to face the week ahead of me. Of course the Lord is still taking care of me; Scott gets to work from home Tuesday and Thursday, which never happens. That will be a huge help to have him around. People tell me I'm strong but I certainly don't feel strong. I also had a special experience today; a kind man in our ward came over and gave me a hug. A few year...

Last night I was really happy. It made me a little worried, almost guilty, as if I hadn't loved or wanted this baby. But immediately I was reminded of the past four months of stress. I have worried almost daily about starting a preschool and having another miscarriage. Well, preschool is going well. I no longer stress about it. I plan and I enjoy it. Not every day is perfect, but I try to be flexible and go with the groove. The pregnancy ended. It was horribly shocking to see the ultrasound of a baby so void of life. I did not want to deliver the baby. I dreaded it. But now that I have gone through it I am so grateful for that experience. Heavenly Father did not want me to discount this baby. By delivering him, holding him, naming him, I understand that this baby counts. He is my son. I have another son! And I love him and I miss him. But I will see him again one day. I feel so much comfort, peace and joy from this. The Lord has done everything He could to make this experience as ...

To my baby Elliot, How I longed to hold you in my arms, but not this way. I never felt you move inside me, but you moved me. I wanted you to join our family. I would have done anything to have you live. I don't know any other baby that was more prayed for than you. So many people loved and prayed for you. I tried to have faith that you would live. The Lord had other plans, though, and I accept that. I'm so thankful that life continues beyond the grave. Know that I love you and cannot wait for the day that I can see you and hold you forever. Mom

I have to write about my miracle. This is my 7th pregnancy (lucky #7 I've been chanting all this time) and will be our fourth child. The first trimester was very difficult for me emotionally. I have never had to live daily on pure faith and hope before, at least not to this extent. Each of the four ultrasounds were a reprieve from my constant worrying, but those brief reassurances could not replace the nagging in my head that this baby would not make it. I wasn't sick and didn't feel pregnant; how could this not be just like the other three miscarriages? I know what a viable pregnancy for me feels like. I am as sick as a dog and I instantly feel pregnant. With the first two miscarriages I was not sick at all and after 10 weeks I had the typical signs of a miscarriage. Last year's miscarriage was the most difficult, though, since we had seen two ultrasounds with a live baby and we had made it past the danger point, or so we thought. I had no warning last year, happily ar...