My heart is on the mend

Last night I was really happy. It made me a little worried, almost guilty, as if I hadn't loved or wanted this baby. But immediately I was reminded of the past four months of stress. I have worried almost daily about starting a preschool and having another miscarriage. Well, preschool is going well. I no longer stress about it. I plan and I enjoy it. Not every day is perfect, but I try to be flexible and go with the groove.
The pregnancy ended. It was horribly shocking to see the ultrasound of a baby so void of life. I did not want to deliver the baby. I dreaded it. But now that I have gone through it I am so grateful for that experience. Heavenly Father did not want me to discount this baby. By delivering him, holding him, naming him, I understand that this baby counts. He is my son. I have another son! And I love him and I miss him. But I will see him again one day. I feel so much comfort, peace and joy from this.
The Lord has done everything He could to make this experience as gentle on me as possible. And I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. The stress and worry of the past four months are gone. I am happy. Of course I will still have times when I cry and mourn my little Elliot (I'm crying now as I type this), but I am going to be okay. I am so blessed and feel the Lord so close.
Thank you everyone who has prayed for me, loved me, hugged me, emailed me, sent me flowers, fed us, checked up on me, and supported me. I could not have done this without any of you, but especially not without my Savior. I know Jesus Christ lives and I know He is always near, waiting for us to allow Him to enter our hearts and heal us. My heart is on the mend.

Comments

The Garbison family said…
You have a beautiful heart, Becky!
September 24, 2011 at 10:41 AM
patrice stanford said…
I have been thinking, worrying, crying, about you guys all week. I am thankful that you have the faith necessary to get you through this. I would have done anything possible to have mor kids...just not in the cards. It is a blessing knowing that you will be able to one day know Elliot and teach him and just be a family to him.
September 24, 2011 at 4:15 PM
The Brothers Family said…
You continue to impress and amaze me with your strength and your faith, Becky. I am so blessed to have you for a sister, and all four of your children are so lucky to have you for a mom. Love you, and thinking about you always.
September 24, 2011 at 7:47 PM
Janene said…
Love you, friend! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I love the name Elliot, thinking of you so much at this time.
September 24, 2011 at 8:44 PM
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